I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
