I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
