you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
