I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
