**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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