you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
