you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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