i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
