what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
only if we run a train.
done.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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