i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
