she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
