my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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