So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
