He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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