so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
