I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
