I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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