Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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