you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
