Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
