The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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