Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm both gender and math confused
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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