oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
