I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
