woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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