Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
