I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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