im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
