Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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