so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
