its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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