We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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