his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
