It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she looked like the before picture.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
