I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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