you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
