Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
is it fun? or sober?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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