that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
