my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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