well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
