My sheets look like a crime scene.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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