I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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