Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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