oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
