and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
