so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
