it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
