Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
