I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
