i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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