stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
